Mediterranean Cycopaths

Italy: Cougar Country

Unlike many species that have recieved media attention in recent times, the Italian Cougar (Carnivorous Deludis) is in no danger of extinction. Indeed, on our recent Italian sojourn – cycling through vineyards and medieval towns enroute from Venice to Genoa – huge numbers of these creatures were observed.

Appearance

The Italian Cougar has a number of distinguishable markings. The skin – of which an unusually high ratio is on display – bears a deep ‘perma-tan’ shade which cannot be explained by Italy’s sunny weather alone. For the small tracts of skin which the Cougar does choose to cover, the unusual practice of adorning itself with the hides of other animals is adopted – the typically large wardrobe is characterised by leather jackets, mink coats, crocodile skin shoes and any number of fake leopard fur products, all of which are branded with the labels of international breeds to which it pledges loyalty (Dolce & Gabbana, Louis Vuitton, Coco Chanel, Giorgio Armani, Gucci).

The breast area commands particular attention: in an eery parallel to Venice, a well-known Cougar haunt, the sharpest engineering minds on the planet are employed to defy the ravages of age and gravity in an attempt to maintain original presentation. In this continual struggle the Cougar will inevitably resort to modern surgical techniques – a luxury ‘La Serenissma’ does not have. Finally, the hair alters colour in a chameleon-like manner according to the season and the fashion of the day. Unlike the chameleon, however, the aim of the Cougar is to garner attention rather than avoid it.

Habitat

Our recent expedition has confirmed a large prevalence of Cougars in the leafy avenues, chic shopping precincts, stylish bars and industrial solariums across the whole of Northern Italy. Of particular note were the following Cougar ‘hotspots’:

  • Utilising Gondola’s as an exclusive means of transport to cruise the canals of Venice
  • Sunning themselves in Padova’s grand Prato della Valle
  • Strutting about the boutiques of Verona’s cobbled alleys
  • Colonising the promenade cafes of Portofino and other upmarket resorts on the Ligurian Coast

Diet

The Cougar reserves dining for only the most renowned of Italian restaurants and is thus regularly presented with options for consuming exceptional pizza, pasta, bruschetta, risotto and wine. Despite this bounty of exquisite Italian cuisine – versions of which are usually being inhaled by members of Team Cycopath at nearby, slightly less prestigious establishments – the Cougar will usually just pick at her meal, seemingly preoccupied with her quest to satisfy another, less satiable, appetite…

Behaviour (Mating Habits)

The Cougar’s behaviour is distinguishable by it’s sole focus of attracting a mate. Although a typical target would be a similarly tanned, but silver-haired, corporate fatcat type with a sweater draped over his shoulders, the Cougar will prey upon pretty much anything that can be chased down over 10 yards of wet cobbles whilst wearing stillettos. A sophisticated hunting strategy along rural routes that was commonly encountered on our travels was the utilisation of roadsigns with completely inaccurate distance estimates or upon which towns would virtually dissapear at crucial intersections. This cunning ploy achieves the goal of disorientation, making a potential conquest that little bit easier.

The typical Cougar mate, for their part, rapidly tire of these unengaging beasts. In a similarly desperate attempt to hold onto past glories they can be seen cycling through the countryside with their disillusioned brethren, often finding comfort in the arms of sub-Saharan prostitutes (as much a part of the modern Italian landscape as vineyards) who wait in the bushes for this most-dependable source of clientele.

No Cougars were harmed in our research for this exposé – although several may have been handled

Jon & Sean

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May 23, 2007 - Posted by | Uncategorized

3 Comments »

  1. Jon – was interested to hear that you are searching for your very own Romeo. How’s that working for you, and your tent sharing buddies?

    It may have made your ‘tag and bag’ expedition amongst the wild cougars a little more difficult – what with their gaydar and all.

    Mind you, the siren call of tombsy sans top may have been to much for them to bear. Or not?

    Comment by Mercutio | May 23, 2007 | Reply

  2. A strange comment coming from someone calling themselves ‘Mercutio’. Rest assured, Mer-Man, any behaviour that could be construed in that way is the result of some sort of lost wager or budgetry constraints.

    p.s. see you in a couple of weeks..

    Comment by Jon | May 23, 2007 | Reply

  3. Ahh, glad to hear that despite uncomfirmed news reports – circulating due to the unfortunate media blackout from team cycopath – that you had indeed fallen prey to cougars.

    Seems like you will make it to Barca in time then… catch you Sat

    Comment by Dom | May 30, 2007 | Reply


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